"We are so afraid to change careers, to end relationships, to outgrow people or places -- and that's just growth. To me, choosing to go toward the cracking in order to keep expanding is the only way. The only way to get out of pain is to go through it. Pain is information." - Sophia Bush

Seasonal people.

We've all heard the term. That some people are meant to stand by you for a lifetime, while others are only around for a season. It's not always someone's fault; sometimes things just don't work out despite your best efforts. I'm a firm believer that each and every person placed into our lives is there for a reason. God has a purpose behind every single person and why you crossed paths. And although everyone has a purpose, not everyone is meant to stay.

Personally, I'm a fighter. I will fight for someone that I care about for far longer than I should. I give entirely too many second chances, and always try to give the benefit of the doubt to the people I care most about.  On the same token, I am not one to get walked over. Have I let a guy or an old friend do that to me in the past? Yes. Did I learn? Absolutely. Have I learned to stand up for myself since then? You know it. Which ultimately is leading me to this post. But what's the next step when the support, emotions, and feelings are not being reciprocated? What do you do when these people are inhibiting your growth as an individual?

I've burned bridges, cut ties, and tried to let certain people fade out of my life. But it doesn't get easier.  It doesn't get easier to force a relationship to end. And breakups with friends can be even harder than a love interest. This is something I am currently struggling with accepting. There are certain people that you will cling to and get comfortable with, making things even more difficult when you have to part ways.

Haven't we all been accused of "giving up" on a friendship? Those are never easy words to hear. But is it really giving up when you've been holding it together by yourself for the longest time? Friendship is a two way street and if the support is not being reciprocated, it becomes more of a stressor rather than a stress reliever. Friendship should be fun. It should be easy (at least most of the time). They should help you solve your problems, not repeatedly cause you more.
Seasonal people.

Why have I let someone that has hurt me over and over again come back into my life year after year? A person that doesn't want me, but doesn't want anyone else to have me. I don't know if I have allowed this because I too have been unsure of what I wanted, or if I cared so much that I would rather have him halfway rather than not at all.

 "The best advice my mother ever gave me was - let him find someone else to teach him what he wants."

Seeing someone once a year isn't sweet. It's a tease. A mind game. Something that I don't have time for any more. I want so badly for the person in my mind to be the person in front of me. But it just isn't that way. My expectations are not my reality. I know God has the perfect man waiting on me. He is saving him for the perfect time, and I cannot wait for the day that we meet.

 "Believe it or not, sometimes 'proving your worth' means leaving people who won't appreciate it, the hell alone. How can you prove you're worth more by stressing yourself settling for less? They see your worth already. They just don't value it." - Horacio Jones

I know I'm not growing with these individuals, nor am I becoming a better person. My life isn't easier because of them, rather it is more stressful. I have a number of individuals that I need to cut ties with for myself. As easy as it would be to keep doing what I've been doing for years, I would be continuing the habit of not putting myself first.

"The hardest part was to stop fighting, to stop trying to glue the broken pieces back together and just walk away. I mean, how do you just let go of someone you spent so long desperately holding on to?" - Jess Amelia

Seasonal people.
It's time for me to put myself first. My mindset, my health, and my happiness back at the top.
That time is now.

The other, more challenging, struggle I have with time is regarding things I can't control. I can make sure I show up to clinical on time, but I can't slow time down. I can't add days to my life or spend time with those who have already passed before me.

I catch myself every day counting down the weeks left of school. Actually, the days. And depending on the day, maybe even the hours (just kidding). But seriously, being stressed makes me want it to be over. And over as soon as possible. But I know the only thing that I'm doing is wishing away time. One thing my mom has always told me to never do. 

I know that I'm doing this every time I say to myself, "okay only three more regular weeks, two more half weeks, finals, and I'm done." Because I'm going to say that one too many times and years are going to be gone. But not only years, time. Time that could be spent enjoying every day and making most out of every season of my life. 

I catch myself wishing I was five years old again. Seriously, five. I want to go back to when I didn't have a care in the world. I want to cry to my mom, her give me a kiss, and everything be better. Or my dad put me on his shoulders and I feel as if I can conquer the world. I miss that. And I know I'm going to miss being twenty years old one day too.

The thing that tears me up the most is in regard to my family. I can't tell you how much I love to spend time with my them. If I could chose a trip with anyone, I'm probably going to name one of them. Girls night? My mom. Ball game? My dad. A weekend getaway? My cousins. And so on. That's just who I am, and I love it. The thoughts of not being able to experience every little thing with them scares me to death. I think this is the scariest part of wishing time away, is that I'm wishing time away that could be spent with people I love.

I constantly am talking to my mom about how "I can't wait" to meet the right guy and really fall in love, get married, and eventually have kids. I've dreamed of those things since I was probably five years old. But I can wait. Because yet again, I'm wishing away time. 

So to be honest, I'm not sure if what I'm doing is right or wrong. I know that I cherish each day, but also subconsciously am wishing them away. Through all of this, I've learned one thing: to be content with where I am and enjoy each day for what it offers. I need to live a life that I won't look back with regrets. I need to live each day with intention. As my mom has told me time and time again, worrying about how fast time is passing is the quickest way to make it pass.

My goal is to live in the now and be present no matter where I am so that I can make the best of today before it's too late.